now you see me.

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 05:24:14 GMT

Dear ________,

I can't ever get a change to say everything I want to you because you always end up leaving, at the worst times I might add. Its so funny that you leave instead of making me feel like everything is all right. That's all I want you to do. Say don't worry. or Everything is okay. But you never do. What you don't understand is that everything is a struggle. It has been since the beginning. I fucking had to fight for you. Why should I have? No one should fight for someone they love, it should just happen.. but no. It took all of me to get to you. its happened more than once. Do you know how many people like you? well, I'm fully aware if you aren't. you don't understand anything that goes on in my head. my head is different than your head. don't you get it? we don't think the same. things that aren't a big deal to you are a HUGE Deal to me. I can't even begin this letter. theres so much you need to understand and i don't even know where to start. its not any use. you just continue to fight with me and i continue to fight with you. im a mess, you're a mess. just please help me out. i.. ca...

fuck it. i don't even know where to start.

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 06:12:38 GMT

this might have been one of the worst birthdays ever.
and what makes it worse is now I'm an adult.
it sucks.
I don't feel like one..

I regret pretty much the last 17 years of my life.
Now I'm just one more year closer to the day I die. thats how I view it i guess.
Since I'm never going to amount to anything, happy 18th birthday.

you're a fucking loser.

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 20:51:49 GMT

A huge weight is totally lifted out of me.
I have anxiety.
I'm fine with it.
Im glad to know I'm not crazy, I'm normal, and fine, with just a bit of a worrying problem.
So fuck you all who have said I'm crazy, because I have a legitimate excuse. Whats your excuse for being a bitch? Its not a chemical imbalance in your brain, its your fucking attitude.

After the holidays, I'm done eating.
I'm not fatfat, but I'm not like.. pretty. and I'm unhappy with myself.
I have to do this for myself.

oh, and Happy 18th in 11 days.
yess.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 04:08:48 GMT

You want to camp out, and I want to fuck around.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:11:47 GMT

we're the same we're different we're different we're different we're the same I'm the same you're the same he's the same shes the same.

I'm different.

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:48:01 GMT

I don't know. Everyday it feels like I'm living something I'm not. Do you understand?
no, I guess you don't. In english class we learned that no one will ever feel like you do. So I guess I'm alone on that one.
I'm just not happy I guess. Not with anything in particular. I'm just like. numb I guess. I've gotten a lot more emotional over things like death. I guess I can't handle it. I can't handle much.

I feel disconnected I guess. From people. From people who matter to me. Maybe disconnected isn't the word.
I feel panicky. and rushed. I feel upset. and distant.
I can't hold my feelings so how do I know they even exist. I want to be held by something familiar, but. but theres nothing.
you've changed. I've changed. I want to be happy again. just like we used to be. you're just so mad at me.

And I feel awkward. and intolerant. I just want to sit quietly, take direction, and proceed.
I want to sleep in.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 06:07:52 GMT

im just one big fuck up.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:52:20 GMT

everyone is fucking crazy. i cant keep up.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:02:06 GMT

everything is so fucking annoying.

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 05:43:43 GMT

the ~~boys~~ girl gets lonely after you leave, its one for the dagger and another for the one you believe.

no, im not mad, i just wouldn't have done it to you.
not after last night.

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:24:43 GMT

and those words got stuck between my tongue and my teeth.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:13:44 GMT

i get really afraid to close my eyes.

im afraid to close my eyes.

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 05:06:58 GMT

you can't trust friends.
you can't trust enimies.
you can't trust your other half.
you can't trust yourself.
so tell me, what good is anything.

its been over so many times before.
whats once more?
im immune to it now. whats the difference?

just do it. save your breath.
im not pretty enough.
im not skinny enough.
im not adventurous enough.
im not good enough.
im not nice enough.
im not fun enough.
im not athletic enough.
im not happy enough.
im not perfect enough.
im not smart enough.
im not talented enough.
im not special enough.
im not unique enough.
im not outgoing enough.
im not cool enough.
im not interesting enough.
im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough im not enough. im not enough im not enough

and i doubt i ever will be.

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:15:33 GMT

the lights might have been blinding.
the sounds might have been deafening.
the wonder of it all might have been paralyzing.

but i still stole glances.

won't you love me everyday?

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 03:08:32 GMT

its so funny at work to see all the people talking behind eachother's backs and are so nice to their face.

which reminds me of my life. a friend that i've barely talked to this year who i used to trust and talked to all the time decides its okay to tell people I'm annoying because i talk about my problems too much and its aggrivating and she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.
well thanks, because I haven't said one bad thing about you ever.
it just hurts knowing that you can't trust people you once thought you could.

i guess you told the wrong person who told the wrong person who told me.
you probably don't even care, but for me, it sucks.
and im hurt.
but who really cares, right?

sorry, didn't want to annoy you with my complaining so thats all.

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:37:19 GMT

fuck everything. i can't fucking please you anyhow.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 22:06:37 GMT

i just want everyone to shut the fuck up and stop talking to. me. theres too much fucking pressure to be a perfect daughter, girlfriend, friend, critic and whatever else i am to you. im at the point where i dont give a fuck if i wake up in the morning. everyone else is dying so why shouldnt i? maybe my problem is that i dont give a fuck. someone make the pressure stop.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 06:37:14 GMT

im lying in bed thinking about the only thing that means anything to me wondering where it all went wrong. where it all started to go downhill. perhaps it was that summer that everything started
to go awry. and then we picked up the pieces and mended ourselves back together to move on with us. who can tell when i first started going crazy in your mind. what about mine? who knows where i've gone or when ill be back. but somebody please,please help me.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:50:49 GMT

baby, I only want to make you happy.

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 05:07:38 GMT

"yup. you dont deserve anyone. thats why you have no one."

im the non deserving one right?

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 05:05:22 GMT

i can't fucking believe you.
this is the last time i wait up for someone.
if anything else could add to my really fucking wonderful day.....
this would be it.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 04:43:40 GMT

my whole entire world just came crashing down.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 04:11:36 GMT

i guess i just have to accept that you'll never be the one to say sorry.

not even after its too late.

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 05:04:22 GMT

i think its really cute the way you eat your ice cream.

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 04:07:33 GMT

I'm swimming in the ocean and you're screaming at the top of your lungs on a mountain "I need you, come here, I care." and I can barely hear you from where I am but I'm able to make out the words. And i try to call back to you but my mouth is full of water. And i want to look you in the eyes to see that its true but when you're screaming and I'm drowning the struggle to keep my head up so our eyes can meet is what keeps this going. I can't drown because you'll still be on top of a mountain waiting for me to climb up to meet you at the top. but i can feel my lungs starting to fill with water and my chest grow heavy and im so scared. one day I'll meet you eye to eye hand to hand heart to heart. wherever it may be.